10 Ways To Win The White House: Confidential Memo From Karl Stovepipe
As the presidential race winds down, fanatic Tea Party types are zeroing in on congressional races. This memo, found by our intrepid investigator Sheldon Seamus, was probably written by an old time GOP strategist. It was found in the trash after a recent T.P. rally.
1.) Start a huge war in the Middle East, based on lies. This will erode public confidence in government as soon as the lies are revealed. This is good, because government is bad.
2.) During the war, use lots of expensive equipment and materiél, but don’t pay for any of it. Blow up the materiél as soon as possible. (Use that word materiél a lot. It makes you sound smart.)
3.) Claim the war is going very well and will pay for itself through oil revenues from the invaded (oops, liberated) country.
4.) Start telling the public you’re very concerned about the growing budget deficit. Keep spending money. Send more troops to other countries. Don’t pay for them, either.
5.) Suggest big cuts in federal entitlements. Don’t get specific. Just say we need more troops to reach victory. Use words like “generals on the ground” and “surge.” This makes you sound military. Don’t pay for the surge.
6.) Lower taxes on very rich people again. Give them more loopholes. If any poor people write in whining about it, explain that the money will trickle down to them. Someday. Express grave concern about the federal deficit. Blame it on wild spending by your opponents.
7.) When the sunshine soliders protest about thousands of Americans killed and maimed in these wars, accuse them of not supporting our troops and send them one of those red, white and blue ribbon things for the back of their car. If they raise the question of the financial cost of expanding these wars, point out that most of these critics don’t even wear flag pins in their lapels. Need I say more?
8.) Elect people to congress who are enraged but don’t know why and are as ignorant as the rear end of a hog. Teach them to say “no!” repeatedly. To everything. Promise them you’ll keep “God” on our currency, including coins. Maybe we’ll even throw in a couple of Dios to appeal to the Latinos. But don’t promise that yet. Comprende? Imply that there will be a new coat of arms on the $100 bill employing the AK-47, but don’t commit yourself to that.
9.) Announce that the eight-year-long federal deficit has suddenly become an imminent threat to America’s survival. (Use that word imminent a lot! It’s a gravitas kind of thing.) Propose another tax cut for the job creators.
10.) Find an empty “suit” (good hair essential) to run for president. Teach him to say “tax cuts” and “pro-life.” If he loses, blame the moderates. But we’ll need some RINOS. If we can’t find any moderate republicans, maybe we could hire some. I hear a lot of people are unemployed. Ha ha.