by elisobservations

(A recent report came to Eli’s Observations from a conservative think tank. We thought it worth your attention.)

In the midst of all these depressing stories by the left-leaning Harvard economists about the failing U.S. economy, our Super Pac (Americans for Truth, Liberty, Vanilla Fudge, and Military Excess) is offering some good economic news with new employment areas due to continue to grow in the future.

Domestic Servants. Our unjustly vilified billionaires are busy creating a fast-growing market for butlers, chauffeurs, and gardeners as well as dog walkers and security guards. Please see our (USA Serves You Right) website.

Toxic waste disposal workers are clearly in demand. With the end of federal red tape and burdensome safety regulations, we expect to see a surge in workers who deal with ground and water pollution and unwanted radiation. Another new niche job category will be MMM specialists: Massive Mess Managers. Keep an eye on stock offerings from these companies especially American Spills Unlimited. Stock prices on these should triple.

Certain SSG (Socialist Second-Guessers) claim that we’re just shifting jobs around, firing cops, teachers and firemen, while inflating our job figures with gains in low-paying jobs such as prison guards and TFA’s (Toilet Facility Attendants) and, of course, our nation’s ditch-diggers. Attempts to smear such honest and socially useful work are shameful!

Social Rehab Workers are all in for big increases. Many of our prisons are woefully understaffed, creating unsafe conditions for prisoners who work on such tasks as making license plates for outside contractors.

Two and Three Wheeled Transporters. Pedicabs and Rickshaws will be a potential win-win addition to our major cities, decreasing traffic congestion, air pollution, and traffic accidents. Unfortunately, most of these vehicles will be produced in Pakistan. But the muscle to move them is all good American muscle.

Another enormous side benefit of this transportation boom will be healthy exercise for many of our out of shape young men, especially our deserving veterans back from overseas.

Border Expansion. The success of our fences between the US and Mexico have proved their economic value. By adding another 72 miles at the US/Canadian border and 150 miles around our vulnerable Florida coastline, American companies will create pick-and-shovel jobs.

This solves the vexing problem of what to do with illegal immigrants once the agricultural season ends. And let us remember the wise words of our revered national poet Jack Frost: “Good fences make good neighbors.”

One last encouraging thought: many iconic American companies are coming back to the US. For example, York Peppermint Patties are considering returning their manufacturing plant to York, Pa. See what can happen when US wages become comparable with those of Mexico and Bangladesh?

For more great stories about our economic future, be sure to call “Job Creators R Us,” our phone answering service (located in India.) So speak slowly and distinctly please.