From Head To Toe
Deep in a gated community of multi-million dollar houses in Texas, safe from the prying press, Mitt Romney is ensconced in the plush “basement” of a big donor, Cabot Rogers Agustus Babbitt. This multi-millionaire made his fortune from a chain of pawn shops called “Happy Hockers.” Their motto is “send me your poor, your huddled masses, yearning for cash.” Outside each shop is a four foot Statue of Liberty. Instead of a torch, she carries the familiar three-ball pawn symbol.
Romney is speaking quietly into the phone while a super-clean-cut aide keeps a running cash total. It’s fundraising time! In the background, Cabot Rogers Agustus Babbitt paces impatiently. He’s wearing cowboy-style clothes, big shiny boots and leather chaps monogrammed CRAB.
Romney: “Oh, I know Buffy! Everyone’s portfolio took some real hits. You and Tab have been so generous … when will Tab be back? Then, why don’t I call back in an hour? Great! Give my best to those lovely daughters of yours — sons! Did I say — I meant sons, of course — right Buffy, thanks.
Babbitt: “Dammit, Governor, we need to scare some big money loose! Talk more about Godless Socialism, I don’t want to be a one-man Super Pac.”
In a far corner sit three consultants. Brad Cole and Lindsay.
Brad: “I Googled this guy Babbitt. He’s from Rhode Island, for pete’s sakes. Where’d he come up with this cowboy and pork rinds deal?”
Lindsay: “The Republicans have a little school for that. They call it Dumbdown U. But listen, guys, our job isn’t fundraising — we’ve got a portrait to paint of this man!”
Cole: “She’s right. Let’s go over him from head to toe –”
All three stare intently across the room at Romney. They agree Romney has good hair, and good features — better than Obama.
Lindsay: “Obama has such big ears –”
Brad: “Like car doors! Gigantic!”
Cole: “Focus, please? Everybody likes the curl over the forehead?”
Lindsay: “Yeah, but it’s a little contrived. Maybe we can get Ann to muss it a little –”
Brad: “No way! The Mittster doesn’t like to be touched in public. Kissing and hugging with the wife is good –”
Cole: Careful kissing. That wet smackeroo with Tipper cost Al Gore the election!”
Lindsay: “Oh, puh-lease! Body’s good. He’s finally getting out of that white shirt and skinny tie. We need him to look more like he works with his hands –”
Brad: (snickers): “Do they make banker jeans?”
Lindsay: “Sure! Oshkosh office wear — hey, what’s he wearing on his feet — is he wearing — oh my God — sneakers??
Cole (nods): New Balance, and get this. They’re made in the USA. Mitty kept showing them to the workers at that steel plant yesterday –”
Brad: “I just wish he hadn’t kept saying ‘See? We’re twins!’ And he kept giggling!”
Lindsay: “…New Balance! Hey, wouldn’t that be a great theme for his whole campaign –?”
Brad (puzzled): “Some other guy does his music, Lindsay –”
Lindsay: “No! I mean a theme! Like — Romney’s ideas will give America a whole new balance!! Like that –”
Cole (baffled): “Ideas? I don’t think he has any of that –”
Brad: “And I know he doesn’t like new anything!”
Lindsay (sighs): “Forget it — how do we feel about his socks?”