by elisobservations

From time to time, Eli has heard from a few readers who say we are depressingly cynical and obsessed with national politics. Our first reaction was, “Oh, shut up.” But on mature reflection, we said, “What the hell.” But we just CAN’T give up politics, so this column will at least eschew depressing stories for an experiment: Happinews.

Bulletin: Rupert Murdoch, AKA King of Snoops, has shocked the financial world with a trillion dollar deal. Selling ALL of his media holdings, Murdoch has used the money to buy Australia. Murdoch describes buying the country where he was born as a “sentimental impulse.”

Bulletin: Madame Tussaud’s wax museum has announced it will make Senator Mitch McConnell part of its permanent collection. This will not be a wax replica, but the actual Senator himself!

Bulletin: In an effort to become part of a possible Romney Cabinet, Rep. Michelle Bachmann tweeted that if she became Secretary Of Education, she would seek funding to have a microchip containing the entire text of the Bible implanted in every school child’s head. The child could activate the Bible story by clicking his or her heels together three times, repeating the phrase, “There’s no place like heaven…”

Update: Representative Bachmann now says Moslems and Jews would be offered alternative texts, but not at the taxpayers’ expense. When asked about atheists, Bachmann replied, “They can all go to hell!”

Update: Sources now report Rupert Murdoch has also acquired the world’s largest cloning lab and plans to clone Australia! His spokesman has denied it.

Bulletin: The Fox News (sic) Channel has announced that all its female on-air staff will be outsourced to Clairol. In a related move, Reese Witherspoon has replaced Sean Hannity as a Fox anchor. Hannity blamed his demotion on President Obama.

Bulletin: After a huge negative reaction to her microchip idea, Rep. Bachmann has withdrawn it. In an attempt to burnish her foreign policy credentials, Bachmann has challenged Secretary of State Hillary Clinton to a debate. Or a bake-off! No comment from the State Department.

Bulletin: Having withdrawn from the race, Newt Gingrich now admits trying to get Rick Santorum to withdraw first. Gingrich added that his secret offer to make Santorum an astronaut on Gingrich’s lunar colony was just a joke.

Bulletin: Drenched by a sudden rainstorm, Presidential candidate Romney was forced to cancel a speech to the National Machete Owners’ Association of America. Romney told reporters at the event he had definitely NOT decided that if elected he would put his face on both sides of the five dollar bill, facing in opposite directions. He blamed the rumor and the rainstorm on President Obama.

Update: This just in! Mitt Romney has denied all of the above denial totally! Except for the blaming Obama stuff.

Update: Michelle Bachmann has apologized to non-believers for saying they can all go to hell but later retracted the apology, pointing out that they could, and very well may. In a bid for a senior health post in a possible Romney Cabinet, Bachmann has challenged Mrs. Obama to a push-up contest. No comment from the First Lady.

Bulletin: Sources close to the source have leaked the news that Rupert Murdoch is weeks away from cloning Australia. The sources’ source said Murdoch planned to leave the original Australia where it is but will tow its clone to an undisclosed spot near oil-rich Saudi Arabia. Reacting to protests about the ethics of cloning a nation and moving it, Murdoch said casually, “If you own it, you can clone it!”

Bulletin: Desperate for ANY kind of attention, Michelle Bachman just challenged the First Lady to a vegetable-eating contest! Mrs. Obama again gave no response but she has sent Bachmann a crate of Rutabagas.

That’s it for Happi News. Next week, back to serious matters with a lengthy expose of the ash scandal in the nation’s crematoriums! Or — maybe not. The same person who called Eli’s Observations depressing thought the word “blog” is depressing in itself. It is kind of klutzy. If any of you have an alternative, let us know.