Brain Trust

by elisobservations

A bunker somewhere near Washington, D.C.: The GOP Brain Trust digs deep for ideas!

Present are former Vice President Dan Crony, political strategist Cal Ratz, Tax Opponent Wilbur Armtwist, Senate leaders Mush McGoogle, Otto Shambles, Jim Breathmint, House Leader Jack Bender, and two rebellious House freshmen: T. Bag and T. Ball. We listened in.

VP Crony: “You’re all here because you people represent the whole spectrum of our grand old party, from right to far right to extreme right and, uh –”

Bender: “I thought we came here to get behind a single candidate for president.”

Cal Ratz: “Well, sure, we already have one – sort of — ”

T. Bag: “You’ll never beat lefty Obama with a ‘sort of’ candidate! We need a ‘lead the charge’ kind of candidate!”

T. Ball: (Excited) “Like George Custer? How about this for a slogan: ‘Follow me, men’ … or maybe, ‘This way! Follow me, America!!’”

Armtwist: (Grumpily): “We’re not electing an usher. We need a Barry Goldwater – ”

VP Crony: “I don’t know, Wilbur, Goldwater got kind of liberal later on – ”

Bender: “I heard that was just because of the old timers’ disease.”

McGoogle: “Alzheimers! And old Barry never went lefty – ”

Crony: “Goldwater and Reagan are also dead. Let’s just pick one of these guys with a pulse and build a campaign around him! There are four names on this list – ”

Cal Ratz: “Four?? (He looks at list) “How the hell does Gingrich keep getting on this list? I’ve crossed him off three times!”

Armtwist (objecting): “Newt has great name recognition – “

Ratz: “So did Hitler!”

Bender: “Easy now. Let’s focus. We’ve got Romney – “


Crony (sharply): “Put a lid on the teapot, men!”

Bender: “Okay. Romney – Santorum – and – Paul?”

Senator Shambles: “Gingrich has more delegates than Paul –”

T. Ball: “And Newt has a lot of fresh ideas –”

Crony: “We don’t need new ideas. Our old ideas are fine. Anyway, ideas are overrated! We just need bumper sticker thingys.”

Senator Breathmint: “Lower taxes!”

T.Bag: “How about a flat tax?”

Armtwist: “How about no taxes?”

Cal Ratz: “Now we’re getting creative! Exchanging new ideas!”

Bender: But Ron Paul sure hasn’t gotten far with that approach – ”

T.Bag: “He’s a lovable grandpa but he’s a darned pacifist like Obama! And where would we be without a war? The whole damned economy would collapse.”

Senator McGoogle: (nods) “There’s no money in peace! Maybe we could get by for a while with just lots of little global tensions – they all need a strong defense – new weapons systems – real budget busters – ”

Bender: “Now you’re talking! Maybe some pilot defense contracts! Cost over-runs –”

Ratz (pointedly): “We’ve got to get elected first, boys –”

T.Ball: “Right. Some of our folks back home don’t seem to like wars anymore. Too expensive –”

VP Crony: “You’ve just got to sell it right. Enemies! Enemies everywhere!”

Bender: “Syria! North Korea!”

McGoogle: “Eyeran!”

T.Bag: “Eyerac?”

T.Ball: “But aren’t they on our side?”

Crony: “For now. Just give ‘em time, son –”

Ratz: “Gentlemen! We’re not going to win by promising the American public more wars!”


Senator Breathmint: “How about abortion? Family planning!”

Bender: “Santorum’s done that. Doesn’t seem to work.”

Senator McGoogle: “Obamacare!”

Senator Shambles: “Uh – burdensome regulations – job-killing red tape – waste –”

McGoogle: “Obamacare!”

Senator Breathmint: “Afghanistan! Obama wants to cut and run –”

Cal Ratz: “Don’t touch that!”

Bender: “How about just ‘support our troops’?”

Senator McGoogle: “Obamacare!”

T.Bag: “Prayer in the school! The war on Christmas!”

Ratz: “Now we’re getting somewhere! Really fresh ideas! Just keep ‘em coming, fellas!”

Shambles: “Wedge issues – where was Obama born –?”

T.Ball: “Indo — India — Asia, for sure! Can we call him the Mongolian candidate?”

T.Bag: (snickers): “How about Mongolian idiot?”

Ratz: “Don’t touch that kind of stuff. We’ll get burned.”

Bender: “Can we get some coffee sent in here? Maybe some donuts?”

T.Bag: “With sprinkles?”

T.Ball: “Where was Romney born, anyway? Mexico?”

Cal Ratz: “Don’t touch that, either!”

McGoogle: “Obamacare –”