Whenever the Republican Party feels close to wearing out its “Two Big Ideas” (Lower Taxes and Fewer Regulations) they behave like a PBS station during pledge week: Golden Oldies non-stop, passed off as foreign policy. Instead of Julius La Rosa or the Meltones, it’s John McCain and the Cheney-ettes. It’s the Republican Two-Step.
Here’s how it works, folks: you start a war that’s vital to “defending” us from the enemy, any old enemy! The Soviet Union was always really good but the War On Terror is even better: no boundaries, no rules and no end in sight!
Step To The Left. Same old song about the Democrats getting us into this! They’re “weak on defense.” Two cozy with the U.N.! Real men don’t negotiate!
Step To The Right: We’re behind our boys in uniform 100%! Strongest darned military in the world! But somehow we’re in terrible, terrible trouble my friends. All because of a bunch of guys in bedsheets running around with AK-47s. That’s not The Klan. That’s Al Quaeda!
Bow To Your Partner: Link arms with any and every corporation in the energy business or any dictator that has oil or shale or coal (“Clean” Coal, of course, available at ToothFairy.com.) And don’t forget your buddies in the defense industry. Be sure to take them for a spin around the floor.
Step To The Side: Most of those defense factories have been built over the years in “business-friendly” states, meaning no unions, low wages, no regulations, and a lot of happy Republicans on the proper congressional committees, like Defense Appropriations.
Spin Your Partner: Wars are always good for business, and we can find useful work in the military for those pesky young fellas who might start political unrest. (See Egypt, Libya.) This offshores a lot of U.S. jobs overseas and opens markets that we can go back to again and again.
Always Dance With The One That Brung Ya: Come election time, those defense contractors will always remember whom they can count on for a good long war!
Do Si Do: The wars’ going badly, turning sour? Getting unpopular? Just wrap yourself in the American flag and claim the Democrats screwed it all up. Trot out ol’ John McCain who’ll be happy to blame any sign of peace on Obama.
Promenade Out The Door: Dance around the issues as you leave, led by Mitch McConnell in a bolo tie. Don’t worry. Cheney and his good ol’ boys are already working on a new war dance. Maybe the Somalia Side-Step?