Eli's Observations

Month: March, 2012

The Republican Two-Step

Whenever the Republican Party feels close to wearing out its “Two Big Ideas” (Lower Taxes and Fewer Regulations) they behave like a PBS station during pledge week: Golden Oldies non-stop, passed off as foreign policy. Instead of Julius La Rosa or the Meltones, it’s John McCain and the Cheney-ettes. It’s the Republican Two-Step.

Here’s how it works, folks: you start a war that’s vital to “defending” us from the enemy, any old enemy! The Soviet Union was always really good but the War On Terror is even better: no boundaries, no rules and no end in sight!

Step To The Left. Same old song about the Democrats getting us into this! They’re “weak on defense.” Two cozy with the U.N.! Real men don’t negotiate!

Step To The Right: We’re behind our boys in uniform 100%! Strongest darned military in the world! But somehow we’re in terrible, terrible trouble my friends. All because of a bunch of guys in bedsheets running around with AK-47s. That’s not The Klan. That’s Al Quaeda!

Bow To Your Partner: Link arms with any and every corporation in the energy business or any dictator that has oil or shale or coal (“Clean” Coal, of course, available at ToothFairy.com.) And don’t forget your buddies in the defense industry. Be sure to take them for a spin around the floor.

Step To The Side: Most of those defense factories have been built over the years in “business-friendly” states, meaning no unions, low wages, no regulations, and a lot of happy Republicans on the proper congressional committees, like Defense Appropriations.

Spin Your Partner: Wars are always good for business, and we can find useful work in the military for those pesky young fellas who might start political unrest. (See Egypt, Libya.) This offshores a lot of U.S. jobs overseas and opens markets that we can go back to again and again.

Always Dance With The One That Brung Ya: Come election time, those defense contractors will always remember whom they can count on for a good long war!

Do Si Do: The wars’ going badly, turning sour? Getting unpopular? Just wrap yourself in the American flag and claim the Democrats screwed it all up. Trot out ol’ John McCain who’ll be happy to blame any sign of peace on Obama.

Promenade Out The Door: Dance around the issues as you leave, led by Mitch McConnell in a bolo tie. Don’t worry. Cheney and his good ol’ boys are already working on a new war dance. Maybe the Somalia Side-Step?

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Stupid Tuesday

Well, at last it’s Super Tuesday – or as many of us call it, “Stupid Tuesday,” when an over-estimated, under-informed, over-enraged group of people who represent a sliver of the electorate go to the polls to find out what an absolute hash they’ve made of the Republican Presidential Primary.

At a time when we’re faced with huge economic problems, a broken educational system, and an incendiary Middle East, these voters are not interested in how the candidates would handle these problems, but who is the best at lying and groveling.

Thus, we have Arch-Bishop Santorum telling people he is the Uber-Christian who can tell his fellow citizens what’s permissible (religion in our public schools) and what isn’t and why birth control and abortion are not permissible. He is also against universal healthcare. But he has an advantage over the others in that he actually seems dumb enough to believe much of the junk he spouts.

If you don’t like dumb, there’s Newton Gingrich. We know he’s smart because he tells us so. Repeatedly. Did you know he was also a historian? And an expert on marriage? Three so far? So what’s Newty’s problem? Well, people don’t like him. And though Callista has coached him on smiling, Newt’s every public word drips with dislike and contempt. Miss Congeniality he’s not.

So who’s left? The Groveler. Mitt Romney can grovel forwards, backwards and sideways and deny he’e been moving. Mitt Romney will win by a three-month crawl. See? I told you it would be the guy with the best hair! Now, as to what’s under it …

Pop Quiz

Note: Readers of Eli’s Observations may have noticed a sudden silence. Blame it on modern medicine, but in any event, I’m back at my desk. Some of my colleagues claim my hospital stay made me mellower. As they say on the Faux News Channel, “You be the judge.”

Which is more repellent to the American voter, a candidate who will say or do almost anything to win approval, or an ideologue who won’t stop bragging about his “faith” no matter how out of step his views are with our Constitution and current American values?

Don’t expect any answers to that from the endless Republican primaries. Those hacks and hotheads are all desperately pandering to the 15% or, as we sometimes call them, “Sliverheads.”

The surest way to reach the Sliverhead group would seem to be Time Travel, going back about 100 years before unions, votes for women and civil rights ruined everything! But Time Travel technology is not yet perfected (mostly because of interference by big government.)

So our right wing panderers have had to make countless speeches, or in the case of Senator Rick Sanctimonious, endless sermons!

Recently, Rictus Sanctus has been preaching on the evils of contraception, global warming, public schools, and President John Kennedy’s endorsement of the “separation of church and state” which made Rick want to “throw up.” (Imagine if somebody ever read Rick the entire Bill of Rights!)

Meanwhile, Ricochet Romney bounces from state to state, sort of winning primaries because so many GOP voters check the box marked “None Of The Above.”

But all is not lost for the 15%. Lurking patiently in the reeds and cattails of the South is a last minute rescuer. That glimpse of white lurking among the foliage is not an albino muskrat, but Never-Say-Die Newt! He has a plan.

As the polls close on Super Tuesday, Newton’s lunar-powered air force will sweep the skies of Dixie, routing Gingrich’s enemies and setting a revolution in motion! Washington will fall easily to the Tea Party forces of the president-to-be. Insurgents will give the Statue of Liberty a glossy new gold Callista-do.

Sound completely goofy? Well Newt says that is how revolutions started 100 years ago! And he is after all a historian.