The Hair Apparent

by elisobservations

Just as it was in Iowa, the Republican candidates in Michigan are fighting over the same sliver of their base, like mangy dogs in some alley snapping over a single pitiful bone: who’s the “most” conservative?

The word “conservative” once meant fiscal prudence, or perhaps style: knotty pine dens and wing-tipped shoes. Today it seems to connote mindless hostility to government, to science, to education, to foreigners and people who don’t share every aspect of your religion. Notice that word “religion.”

Remember separation of church and state? The people who wrote the Bill of Rights must be doing a 180 in their graves while Republicans argue over whether a fetus is a person, whether prayer should be permitted in a public school, whether the Muppets advance the homosexual agenda, and whether people should be allowed to buy environmentally-harmful light bulbs! (The famous Bachmann Bulb Bill.)

We do know they’re all for a strong defense and tax breaks for the rich. All of them are for slashing the budget but offer few specifics on whom and what gets slashed. They’re also for off-shore drilling, off-shoring U.S. jobs, and hiding money in off-shore bank accounts.

So how can one choose the likely winner among these off-the-wall, me-too conservatives? Actually, it’s easy. It all comes down to hair. Ike was our last bald-headed Prez. Giuliani and Fred Thompson were balding, but they still got nowhere. In the current crop, Santorum seems like a contender. But his hair lacks gravitas. Newt’s hair looks like roadkill that’s sat in the rain too long. Romney? Obviously he is the Hair Apparent!