The Devil Is In The Details
My friends say they never watch the news. They don’t even watch “The Biggest Loser” (also known as the Republican Primaries.) But I’m a political junkie, so the set’s always on in the background, while I do important things like flossing or cleaning the lint trap in the dryer. But you do learn important facts about the candidates this way, events that shaped their profound political philosophies.
For instance, Rick Santorum’s father was a coal miner! That would only matter if Rick increased U.S. energy production by grabbing a pick and going down into the mine himself. Is anybody going to ask him what the heck “Clean Coal” is? Not likely.
Newt Gingrich was raised (no, not by wolves) but by a military stepfather and a self-described “bipolar mother.” Why do we care? Because obviously he is very familiar with health problems and military strategy.
Señor El Mito Romney has recently decided that ethnic must be good. So he’s started revealing his Mexican relatives, especially when he’s in the Southwest. Mitt’s great grandfather, Miles Park Romney, fled the U.S. in the 1890s because he was about to be prosecuted for polygamy.
Miles Park Romney soon had a fine Mexican ranch for himself and his five wives. (Let’s see you match that, Newt!) But Mitt doesn’t talk much about his very unfriendly plans for future migrants from Mexico. Instead he mentions that he also has some ancestors who were Welsh. Nobody seems to dislike the Welsh, but Romney hasn’t gone out on a limb on that either.
We shouldn’t really blame the press for this flood of flashy trivia. The problem is that none of the GOP candidates have any ideas or any solutions to our problems, though they certainly make big promises and big threats.But one of our correspondents has discovered that the Republicans do have a secret plan! They’re going to cut hundreds of billions from the budget without hurting Social Security or Medicare or weakening our national defense. They’re going to cut taxes and raise revenue! Who’s the author of this astonishing plan? Well, his name is Madoff — Bernie Madoff.