I Only Have Eyes For You
As I write this, two days before the GOP primary in Iowa, all eyes are fixed on the state of — no, wait — well, most eyes are fixed on — well, at least some eyes must be — but most of those eyes get paid to stay fixed on a pack of strutting, smirking, simpering scoundrels — oh, you’ve guessed it — the Republican choices for president! Unless — of course — they are not.
Unless? Suppose it turns out Iowa isn’t the United States in miniature. Crazy idea, right? But what about the Evangelical vote? I decided to ask a dozen of my Evangelical friends about that, and I was startled to find I had none. Not one Evangelical! Same for “Pro-Lifers” and Flat-Taxers! Those folders were empty too. Maybe there are exceptions to the United States of Iowa image after all.
Anyway, what were the eyes of America fixed on? The Today Show was cooking something healthy and possibly food-like. My eyes refused to stay fixed. On several channels, women exercised madly to lose weight, but my gaze wandered.
Other channels showed people demonstrating gadgets and stackable plastic containers. I forced myself to watch a chirpy young woman store forty-six pound of chuck in eleven stackable containers. Surely, this wasn’t what had my fellow citizens so transfixed.
I hurried past CNN headquarters like a drunk skirting the Iowa Politics Saloon. The Fox News Channel was puzzling. It wasn’t entertaining, and yet, it had nothing to do with news. I quickly decided their programming should be sealed in stackable plastic boxes marked “toxic refuse.” My eyes rolled back in my head and I fled.
Eventually, I ended where all desperate searchers must end: the Kardashians! I then experienced a Larry David epiphany in which the George character explains to an NBC exec that their new show will be about NOTHING! Baffled, the NBC guy asks why anyone will watch it. “Because,” George said triumphantly, “it’s on television!”
So there you have it, dear readers: just substitute Republican Iowa Caucuses for Seinfeld and you’ll see why they expect us to watch it. Because it’s nothing, but it’s there. Isn’t it?