Cry Me A Sliver

Talk about being nibbled to death by ducks! How many more days must we endure the news from Iowa which always sounds something like this?

ANNOUNCER: “Here with the latest stats, quotes and votes you need to know is our Iowa correspondent Jen Eric!”

SOUNDTRACK: “I Feel the Earth Move Under My Feet….”

JEN: “Thanks, Troy! Well, the race that was tightening just moments before we went on the air is now loosening dramatically! Newt Gingrich is surging ahead of Mitt Romney in Upper Northwest Central Iowa, and now leading by 67 to 11 for Romney, 5 for Dick Cheney and 2 for Flinching.

Gingrich’s surge is attributed by insiders to his threat last night to smear the exterior White House with Anti-Obama graffiti.

Among voters who describe themselves as ‘Fiercely Conservative,’ the spread now is even wider except for Evangelicals in the lower suburbs of Northern Muscatine. Also, those over 63 went 7 to 2 for Tim Pawlenty (who is no longer in the race). This was seen as a possible rebuff due to Gingrich’s three marriages!

Standing in front of a sign reading ‘One Wife, One Vote,” Reverend J. Fred Hignutt, pastor of ‘The Death To Deviants’ Church, referred to Callista as a ‘Scarlett Woman’! All six members of Hignutt’s congregation agreed. Asked why they supported Governor Pawlenty, one said the name reminded him of his favorite candy bar, God n’ Plenty.

This just in!! The lower southeast quadrant of Greater Dubuque, whose voters describe themselves as ‘savagely reactionary,’ are moving now rapidly towards Donald Trump. But among voters with less than a kindergarten education, a trend is developing for a Kardashian boomlet –”

CLICK!

Well, you may think that the above is a tad exaggerated, but ask yourself how Iowa (!) became the wagging tail and the rest of us the dog. Every four years it’s as if the United States had become lily-white, pugnaciously religious, and politically and socially reactionary. Where did the rest of us go?

This sliver of right wing Iowans doesn’t represent us. It doesn’t even represent Iowa, but every four years, the Republican caucus becomes a jobs program for pollsters, political hacks and cable television’s legion of talking heads. That’s talking, not thinking heads.

Sliver news might be harmless if it didn’t feed the desire of immature voters to vote for a “winner,” even if he or she is a total loser. Let’s start a revolution. Turn that page, click that remote every time you see or hear “Iowa” or some right-winger who claims to speak for Iowa.

The real people of Iowa will be delighted by our boycott. Imagine how sick they must be of the sliver-heads! No wonder there are so many Iowans in Florida already!