Boots On The Ground

by elisobservations

Shortly after midnight, a group of Republican Strategists are in an emergency meeting in Dick Cheney’s secret bunker. It’s nearing election time, and the gang has a problem: they’re running out of wars! How can they attack the Democrats for being weak on defense without a big scary war?

Rummy: “Who’d have thought Obama really meant he’d pull out of Iraq?”

Dickie: “What’s the latest on Iran? We just need one good Weapon of Mass Destruction. It worked last time.”

Rummy: “Yeah, then how come the Iraqis are kicking us out?”

Candy: “Well, at least we can claim victory –”

Wolfie: “Yeah! Mission accomplished!”

The others glare at Wolfie, who looks sheepish.

Wolfie: “As Rick Perry would say, ‘Oops!'”

Dickie (sternly): “No ‘oops’ and no giggling! This isn’t Texas.”

Candy: “”Anything from North Korea? Have they kidnapped any South Koreans? Not even one missile test?”

Rummy (growls): “They’ve gone all squishy on us.”

Wolfie: “How about going into Somalia? Avenge Blackhawk Down?”

Dickie (impatient): “Hell, Wolfie, think of market share! Somalia’s too small. The defense industry needs us to move product! Lots of it!”

Candy: “But what about the deficit?”

Rummy: “Candy, you never did understand economics. You sell a car overseas, and some foreigner can drive the damn thing for ten years! You sell him a cluster bomb and boom! It’s gone! He orders ten more!”

Wolfie (chortling): “The gift that keeps on giving!”

Dickie: “That’s fine for our campaign contributors, but we still need a war to blame for Obama not winning — that one’s always worked for us!”

Rummy: “Right! Not enough boots on the ground. Obama didn’t listen to the generals in the field!”

Wolfie: “Wanted the U.S. to cut and run! We can trot out good old John McCain. He loves that boots on the ground baloney…”

Candy: “And Obama did win the Nobel Peace Prize –”

The others look at her in surprise then start nodding enthusiastically.

Wolfie: “Hey, she’s right! A peace prize!”

Dickie: He’s nothing but a damned pacifist.”

Rummy (sneering): “We should have our boots on the ground in Libya! Never mind this NATO operation crap!

Dickie (stands up): “Let’s call it a night, folks. Obama’s a damned pacifist.” (Grins crookedly) “Mission accomplished!”