Ever since Nixon’s operatives broke into a Democratic Party office in the Watergate complex in 1968, Washington has elevated juicy scandals to “gate” status, as in Contragate and Travelgate. Yet the complete disappearance of a Federal surplus of nearly 220 billion dollars between 2001 and 2009 has been virtually unreported, un-gated.
Suspecting a conspiracy, we set our investigative staff to work on “Surplusgate.” When and how did the surplus disappear? When did the president know it? We came up with some fascinating explanations of our surplus disappearance.
1. The surplus is hidden somewhere in Iraq, with the Weapons of Mass Destruction. Only Dick Cheney knows the location.
2. Alan Greenspan decided to “offshore” the entire surplus, but the boat sank.
3. The money is in the U.S. Treasury but it’s all in Chinese currency and they won’t let us use it.
4. Rick Perry’s supporters suspect it was stolen by a cult known to worship a giant golden calf named Snookie.
5. The Republicans are hiding the surplus until after the elections, which explains Candidate Gingrich’s $200,000,000,000 gift card at Tiffany’s.
6. Hijackers moved the surplus into a Swiss bank account under the names Ron Paul and Ross Perot. They say we’ll only get it back if we keep our room clean for a year and don’t have any cavities.
7. Deciding to invest the surplus in “hedge funds,” Alan Greenspan cornered the world market in boxwood, yews, and other prickly plants. Greenspan later admitted “we got stuck!”
8. President Bush gave some major funding to an earlier unsuccessful version of the Drone program. He thought it was a noise abatement program.
9. For security purposes, Alan Greenspan had the surplus converted to one solid gold ingot, weighing twenty one tons. Problem: no one could lift it.
10. Alan Greenspan invested all of it in a sixty-eight foot high electrified fence along the entire U.S. Mexican border. Total loss! The on/off switch was installed on the Mexican side of the border and they won’t let us turn it on.
There have been vigorous coverup attempts from all parties. We’ll follow up on these exciting leads but we are open to explanations from any of you on Surplusgate!