Shortly after midnight, a group of Republican Strategists are in an emergency meeting in Dick Cheney’s secret bunker. It’s nearing election time, and the gang has a problem: they’re running out of wars! How can they attack the Democrats for being weak on defense without a big scary war?
Rummy: “Who’d have thought Obama really meant he’d pull out of Iraq?”
Dickie: “What’s the latest on Iran? We just need one good Weapon of Mass Destruction. It worked last time.”
Rummy: “Yeah, then how come the Iraqis are kicking us out?”
Candy: “Well, at least we can claim victory –”
Wolfie: “Yeah! Mission accomplished!”
The others glare at Wolfie, who looks sheepish.
Wolfie: “As Rick Perry would say, ‘Oops!'”
Dickie (sternly): “No ‘oops’ and no giggling! This isn’t Texas.”
Candy: “”Anything from North Korea? Have they kidnapped any South Koreans? Not even one missile test?”
Rummy (growls): “They’ve gone all squishy on us.”
Wolfie: “How about going into Somalia? Avenge Blackhawk Down?”
Dickie (impatient): “Hell, Wolfie, think of market share! Somalia’s too small. The defense industry needs us to move product! Lots of it!”
Candy: “But what about the deficit?”
Rummy: “Candy, you never did understand economics. You sell a car overseas, and some foreigner can drive the damn thing for ten years! You sell him a cluster bomb and boom! It’s gone! He orders ten more!”
Wolfie (chortling): “The gift that keeps on giving!”
Dickie: “That’s fine for our campaign contributors, but we still need a war to blame for Obama not winning — that one’s always worked for us!”
Rummy: “Right! Not enough boots on the ground. Obama didn’t listen to the generals in the field!”
Wolfie: “Wanted the U.S. to cut and run! We can trot out good old John McCain. He loves that boots on the ground baloney…”
Candy: “And Obama did win the Nobel Peace Prize –”
The others look at her in surprise then start nodding enthusiastically.
Wolfie: “Hey, she’s right! A peace prize!”
Dickie: He’s nothing but a damned pacifist.”
Rummy (sneering): “We should have our boots on the ground in Libya! Never mind this NATO operation crap!
Dickie (stands up): “Let’s call it a night, folks. Obama’s a damned pacifist.” (Grins crookedly) “Mission accomplished!”