Eli's Observations

Month: November, 2011

Boots On The Ground

Shortly after midnight, a group of Republican Strategists are in an emergency meeting in Dick Cheney’s secret bunker. It’s nearing election time, and the gang has a problem: they’re running out of wars! How can they attack the Democrats for being weak on defense without a big scary war?

Rummy: “Who’d have thought Obama really meant he’d pull out of Iraq?”

Dickie: “What’s the latest on Iran? We just need one good Weapon of Mass Destruction. It worked last time.”

Rummy: “Yeah, then how come the Iraqis are kicking us out?”

Candy: “Well, at least we can claim victory –”

Wolfie: “Yeah! Mission accomplished!”

The others glare at Wolfie, who looks sheepish.

Wolfie: “As Rick Perry would say, ‘Oops!'”

Dickie (sternly): “No ‘oops’ and no giggling! This isn’t Texas.”

Candy: “”Anything from North Korea? Have they kidnapped any South Koreans? Not even one missile test?”

Rummy (growls): “They’ve gone all squishy on us.”

Wolfie: “How about going into Somalia? Avenge Blackhawk Down?”

Dickie (impatient): “Hell, Wolfie, think of market share! Somalia’s too small. The defense industry needs us to move product! Lots of it!”

Candy: “But what about the deficit?”

Rummy: “Candy, you never did understand economics. You sell a car overseas, and some foreigner can drive the damn thing for ten years! You sell him a cluster bomb and boom! It’s gone! He orders ten more!”

Wolfie (chortling): “The gift that keeps on giving!”

Dickie: “That’s fine for our campaign contributors, but we still need a war to blame for Obama not winning — that one’s always worked for us!”

Rummy: “Right! Not enough boots on the ground. Obama didn’t listen to the generals in the field!”

Wolfie: “Wanted the U.S. to cut and run! We can trot out good old John McCain. He loves that boots on the ground baloney…”

Candy: “And Obama did win the Nobel Peace Prize –”

The others look at her in surprise then start nodding enthusiastically.

Wolfie: “Hey, she’s right! A peace prize!”

Dickie: He’s nothing but a damned pacifist.”

Rummy (sneering): “We should have our boots on the ground in Libya! Never mind this NATO operation crap!

Dickie (stands up): “Let’s call it a night, folks. Obama’s a damned pacifist.” (Grins crookedly) “Mission accomplished!”

Brain Storming

Worried about the GOP’s lack of focus, right-wing billionaires (including the Crock sisters) recently staged a secret ‘debate’ to sharpen their candidates’ ideas.  They were all urged to show some PASSION!  But they quickly ran into trouble when the ‘Herminator’ announced Cain’s new zero-zero-zero tax plan!

Romney (quickly): “I’ve ALWAYS been for zero taxes-”

Gingrich (sneering) “Historically, that’s stupid!”

Romney: “- Zero WITH modifications, I mean-”

Bachman:  “When I’M president-”

Perry (giggles): “When cows fly, Bachy girl!”

Bachman:  “Let me finish!  When I’m president, I’ll give everybody a yearly tax refund equal to their income-”

Gingrich:  “Also stupid!   Historically, hyper-inflation in 1928 in Weimar Germany-”

Perry:  “Germany??  Nobody told me there’d by any foreign stuff!”  (Shuffles his cards)  “Weimar- is that a dog?”

Cain:  “When I’M president, ZERO money to foreign countries-”

Romney (quickly):  “Except Israel!  When I’M president-”

Bachman:  ” You’ve never even BEEN to Israel!  When I’M-”

Huntsman:  “I was Ambassador to China, and-”

Cain:  “Who cares about China?  When I’M-”

Romney:  “I’ve been to Israel TEN times-”

Bachman:  “I LOVE Israel!  I’d DIE for the HolyLand!  I’ll make Israel our fifty-first state”.

Perry (puzzled):  “I thought Israel was in Florida-”

Cain:  “Fifty-first state?  Let’s make it the fiftieth!  Kick Massachusetts OUT!”

Romney:  “I never really LIKED Massachusetts-”

Santorum:  “When Rick Santorum is president-”

Romney:  “I’ve been to Israel TWENTY times if you count RETURN trips–I’m sort of Israel-ISH–”

Gingrich:  “Historically, the whole area of Mesopotamia-”

Santorum:  “Wait a minute!  How can a U.S. state be in a foreign country?”

Perry:  “Who let this Ricky Santamaria guy in?”

Cain:  “Must’ve jumped over the fence!”  (snickers)”JUST joking,  Santa Baby-”

Bachman:  “I plan to build an electric fence all around Israel-”

Romney:  “I’ve ALWAYS been for fences–”

Gingrich:  “Stupid!  Stupid!  Borders are an outmoded historic paradigm-”

Romney:  “I’m really sort of Judeo-Mormon—”

Gingrich (stands up):  “You’re all just conceptual morons!”

Cain:  “How’d you like a punch in the nose, Tiffany-man?”

All speaking at once:  “Oh yeah?…Yeah!!…Shutup!…Says who?….Is it lunch yet?….”

On a Need-to-No Basis

We’ve just received a clandestine videotape from FNC (The Faux News Channel) of a not-yet-aired interview of Senator Mush McGoogle by Pshawn Pshaw.

The senator is pudgy and pink, in his late, late sixties, with a self-satisfied expression and a no-lips smile.

Pshaw: “Welcome, Senator! Before we — uh, would you like us to turn the air conditioning down? I notice your glasses are a little – uh, fogged.”

Senator (shaking head): “No, I see all I need to, Bill.”

Pshaw: “It’s uh — Pshawn? Anyway, Republican Senator Scott Brown said recently that he’d continue to work across the aisle with Democrats.  doesn’t working across the aisle violate your no-cooperation rule?”

Senator: “You know Slim, there’s Republicans and then there’s traitors! I bet this fellow Brown doesn’t even have an aisle seat! Not sure I’ve ever even seen him –”

Pshaw: “Uh, Brown? Scott Brown fromMassachusetts?”

Senator: “Oh, him! Wasn’t he some kind of male model? And he didn’t get a regular six-year term, y’know. He’s just a sub!”

Pshaw: “He’s filling Senator Ted Kennedy’s seat …”

Senator: (Snorts) “So that‘s how he got an aisle seat.  Besides, this O’Brown is from Massachusetts, so what can you expect? They’re not real Americans. Ever notice that whole area up there – you notice it’s called New England? What does that tell you?”

Pshaw: “Then — your no-to-Obama coalition is still solid?”

Senator: (Smugly): “It’s all no six days a week, and no twice on Sundays! In fact, in the cloakroom, we call him NObama! Get it? No –?”

Pshaw:  “Yessir.  So, senate Republicans will all just say no to Obama’s latest jobs bill?”

Senator (chuckles):  “We’ll all do more than that, Ben.  We’ve already squeezed a couple hundred thousand jobs out of state and local governments, just to keep that 9% unemployment number at 9.  We do a little Republican pep rally every morning.  We even got ourselves a chant!  ‘Keep it at nine!  Keep it at nine!  Keep it at nine and we’ll do fine!’  Got that idea from Herman Cohn!”

Pshaw:  “I think you meant Cain?”

Senator:  “Whatever.  An’ you know what I like the best about our little ‘Nine chant?  Nine is French for ‘No!’  Get it?”

Pshaw:  “- German, I think?”

Senator: “Whatever…”

Pshaw:  “What’s your stand on accusations by some women of sexual harrassing gestures by Cain?”

Senator:  “All these darn workplace rules by the government are just plain silly.  It’s all just ‘he says’ and ‘she says’.

Pshaw:  “One woman claims Cain groped her-”

Senator:  “Oh.  Groping?  That’s what we like to call a real no-no!”

Surplusgate

Ever since Nixon’s operatives broke into a Democratic Party office in the Watergate complex in 1968, Washington has elevated juicy scandals to “gate” status, as in Contragate and Travelgate.  Yet the complete disappearance of a Federal surplus of nearly 220 billion dollars between 2001 and 2009 has been virtually unreported, un-gated.

Suspecting a conspiracy, we set our investigative staff to work on “Surplusgate.”  When and how did the surplus disappear?  When did the president know it? We came up with some fascinating explanations of our surplus disappearance.

1. The surplus is hidden somewhere in Iraq, with the Weapons of Mass Destruction.  Only Dick Cheney knows the location.

2. Alan Greenspan decided to “offshore” the entire surplus, but the boat sank.

3. The money is in the U.S. Treasury but it’s all in Chinese currency and they won’t let us use it.

4. Rick Perry’s supporters suspect it was stolen by a cult known to worship a giant golden calf named Snookie.

5. The Republicans are hiding the surplus until after the elections, which explains Candidate Gingrich’s $200,000,000,000 gift card at Tiffany’s.

6. Hijackers moved the surplus into a Swiss bank account under the names Ron Paul and Ross Perot.  They say we’ll only get it back if we keep our room clean for a year and don’t have any cavities.

7. Deciding to invest the surplus in “hedge funds,” Alan Greenspan cornered the world market in boxwood, yews, and other prickly plants.  Greenspan later admitted “we got stuck!”

8. President Bush gave some major funding to an earlier unsuccessful version of the Drone program.  He thought it was a noise abatement program.

9. For security purposes, Alan Greenspan had the surplus converted to one solid gold ingot, weighing twenty one tons.  Problem: no one could lift it.

10. Alan Greenspan invested all of it in a sixty-eight foot high electrified fence along the entire U.S. Mexican border.  Total loss! The on/off switch was installed on the Mexican side of the border and they won’t let us turn it on.

There have been vigorous coverup attempts from all parties. We’ll follow up on these exciting leads but we are open to explanations from any of you on Surplusgate!