Eli's Observations

Month: October, 2011

Medical Miracles

If you’ve been around the U.S. Capitol lately you may have noticed many individuals wandering around with a glassy-eyed stare, muttering incoherently. These are not schizophrenics.  They are victims of a strange disease called Republican Amnesia.  Its victims are unable to remember anything that happened before Barack Obama’s inauguration!

Upon discovering a Federal Deficit of over three hundred billion dollars, Senator McConnell’s pudgy pink face had drained of color.  The staunch conservative swore  staunchly that his last clear memory was of a surplus in 1999!

When reminded that the unfunded Iraq war had cost many of those billions, his little glasses fogged up in confusion  Why had Clinton invaded Iraq? Prodded about someone named George W. Bush, Mitch looked blank.

It had taken a strong dose of Doctor Karl Rove’s Talking Points Tonic to get the plucky little Kentuckian staunchly back on track.

Phrases like the Democrats are playing “The Blame Game,” “Monday Morning Quarterbacking,” and “Twenty Twenty Hindsight” were spoon-fed to all the disoriented Republican congressmen ’til they could repeat them like staunch little parrots on amphetamines.

Each amnesia victim was also given a baton reading”Staunch Conservative!” Stubborn cases of the amnesia were given booster shots of “Job-Killing Deficit” and “Job-Killing Regulations.”  Soon, staunchly GOP congressmen were full of vim and vitriol.

Pep rallies took place outside the Capitol with thought-provoking themes like Kill the Bill. The Bill in question was President Obama’s 2010 Health Care Bill.

If they were still blank on recent history, the GOP were clear on memories of Medicare.  They’d been against it.  Social Security?  They’d been against it! This time would be different.  They’d kill it in the cradle.  Once again it would be “Morning in America” and the years from 2001 to 2008 — well, that never happened.

Query:  What’s the first thing you thought of when that mob started chanting “Kill the Bill?” I pictured a tall actress with a samurai sword… Sigourney Weaver?  Lara Croft?

The Pizza Man

The stagelights come up.  We hear a Brass Band playing a rousing march.  A big man in a red drum major’s uniform high-steps onto center stage.  It’s HERMAN CAIN and he’s singing!!

Please excuse me Dick and Jane.

I’m Professor Herman Cain.

And I’m here to talk.

About my economic Five Point Plan!

Cue the trombones, Folks!  Professor Herman Cain, motivational speaker extraordinaire, is trying to sell us his plan!  But if you glance at his sheet music, there’s not one note of economic sense in it.  Cain didn’t sing at the recent Republican debate, because he was busy defending his nine point plan.

The professor says his economic plan is simple.  Hmm.  When a politician tells you he has a simple solution to a very complex problem, it means one of two things:  either he’s simple, or he thinks YOU are.  Cain has a thing for the number nine, promising a nine percent flat tax for everybody.  Nine on earned income, and nine on capital gains.  See, he’s keeping things simple for his supporters.  Maybe he knows something about them?

A further example of Cain’s brain strain is his flat nine percent tax on nearly all consumer goods.  This tax is a twofer: hurting our fragile retail sector, and all those lower income shoppers pushing cartsful of milk and diapers.  Again, Cainonomics tells you alot about his supporters.  Simple, indeed!

As the so-called debates head toward the delete button, we should study for a moment the squabblers themselves.  The “top tier” (Romney, Perry, Cain)  are locked in a series of mud-wrestling events, each trying desperately to sink low enough to reach those right wing dunderhead voters.

Some of the “second tier” (Gingrich, Santorum, Bachman, and Paul) may actually believe the nonsense they’re feeding the aforementioned dunderheads.  It’s hard to decide who may do the country more harm, the con men or the suckers.

Forrest Gump said “stupid is as stupid does”.  That really doesn’t make any sense.  But it might make a perfect campaign slogan for the GOP in the next election.

ROMNEYBALL

Baseball fans know the problem with a fine new fielder’s mitt. It’s nice and new, the leather’s smooth and shiny, but balls just bounce off it. So players tie thick rubber bands around the mitt and keep tightening them, until they get the shape they like.

That’s been happening to Mitt Romney for twenty years. In the Massachusetts League, voters wanted a soft, flexible Mitt, so Republican Romney finessed a state health plan that Democrats and even some Republicans liked.

But in the Republican majors, some of the players didn’t like finesse, didn’t like Mitt! So, he tried to adapt, be even more flexible, said he didn’t really like what he did like, didn’t exactly believe what he said he believed. In fact, he never had believed that. They still didn’t like him.

Now, in his last crack at the majors, Romney is so bent out of shape that his own father wouldn’t recognize him. He’s still nice and shiny, but his fielding average is stuck at around twenty-four percent! Just tell me what you want, Mitt seems to  beg the Tea Party, and I’ll be that. Poor Mitt. The answer is two of the saddest words in baseball: “Not you.”

Fair and Balanced

You’ve never watched FNC (the FAUX NEWS CHANNEL)?  Wow! Well, here’s the kind of thing you might see:  an interview with Senator Mush McGoogle.

He’s a puffy-faced man in his sixties, with a smug look.  He has a Southern accent.

Interviewer (smirking): “Senator, President Obama’s poll numbers are tanking!  Will it be just one term for this do-nothing President?”

Senator (Pleased): “From day one of his administration, we promised that our number one priority was to make sure he accomplished NOTHING!  He could ask over and over for tax increases on our Job Creators or wasteful economic stimulus schemes.  Our answer was no.  Relief for people losing their homes?  No.  Increases in the intrusive, bloated, swollen, anti-business, budget-busting Federal Bureaucracy??”

Interviewer: “I’m guessing no?”

Senator: “Exactly!!”

Interviewer: “You even stopped paying salaries for the Federal Aviation Administration-”

Senator:  “Just for a few weeks.”  (Smirks)  “I didn’t notice any planes fallin’ out of the sky, did you?”

Interviewer: (Grinning)  “No, Sir!  Now, a few vocal critics on the EXTREME left claim Republicans have offered NOTHING to solve our nation’s healthcare problems.  Your response?”

Senator: (Chuckling)  “Well, what’s wrong with nothing?  That feller Jerry Seinfeld did a whole TV series he said was about NOTHIN!  Big Hit!”

Interviewer: (Apologetically): “Yessir.  Though– some polls seem to say a majority of Americans want some kind of health plan?”

Senator:  “….Polls come and polls go.”  (Waves his hand)  “Yadda yadda yadda!”

Interviewer:  (Surprised):  “–Uh, Yadda?”  (Senator nods)  “I’m surprised you’re such a Seinfeld fan.”

Senator:  (Shakes head):  “Never saw it.  Some kid in our office must of put it in my Talking Points. Personally, I like real American humor.  I watch Gomer Pyle EVERY week.  Never fail!”

Interviewer:  “Uh, —Senator?  I don’t think that show is on any more–?”

Senator: (Shrugs):  “….Whatever!”

Interviewer:  “THANK you, Senator McGoogle!  NEXT, did Obama really give the order to kill Bin Laden?  We’ll look behind the White House campaign spin right after this—”

NOTE:  Any resemblance between Mush McGoogle and any living US Senator is purely accidental.  But tell us if he reminds you of any US Senator living or (brain) dead?  Speak up, folks.  It’s your Senate!

Taking the Pledge

Note: Republican candidates seem to love signing pledges, like “No New Taxes,” even when presented by a fuzzy blue Muppet. (Grover What’s-his-name?) “Get Real, America” is a new group planning to circulate its “Return To The Real America!” pledge. We were able to get an advance copy of its twelve-point pledge for any candidates seeking our endorsement.

1.  Abolish the Federal Minimum Wage.

2. Turn Medicare over to the insurance industry.

3. Get all Americans to invest their retirment funds in the stock market.

4. Make possession of automatic weapons compulsory.

5. Get Newt Gingrich, Ron Paul, and Michelle Bachman in the Supreme Court.

6. Repeal Roe vs. Wade.

7. Pursue “Energy Independence” by building lots of nuclear reactors and “Drill, baby, drill!”

8. Invade any country that has oil.

9. Abolish all taxes on income, capital gains, and inheritance.

10. Establish a “Fair Tax:” A national 20% sales tax.

11. Turn education over to the states. Better yet, to counties!

12. Designate a “National Sport:” Feral pig hunting.  From helicopters!

We invite you to suggest your own pledge items for the current batch of candidates and for members of Congress. Come on, surely you’re smarter than the average Muppet! (Sorry, Grover!) Please leave your comments below.